101 essays that will change your life barnes and noble

The book itself is a lazy attempt at a self help book. When i started the first page I was impressed, I thought I was in for a good book; turns out it was just an excerpt from someone else's book from 2005. The thing is, that's not really the problem, I can appreciate a "book" being a collection from other people's work, I don't mind that at all. The problem is the in between sections, the parts that the author writes herself. You can tell since the quality of the writing amounts to fluff and complete lack of relevance to practical day life.

The topics discussed are all basically "how to be happy or why your life isn't that bad", it's all meant to make you feel good (nothing wrong with that); but that's why i describe it as non-practical.

I'm not hating on this book or the author, I just didn't find it useful for my needs. There was a complete lack substance. The main reason why I chose to pick up this book was the high number of stars at the time (4.13), but it seems like there just haven't been enough critical people to actually review the book.

There are actually good parts in the book, but the amount of fluff that you have to get through; I just don't have the time and energy to do that, the editor or the author should have done that for me; she needs to learn the ability to cull irrelevant information

When I realised that these were a thatched together collection of Wiest's articles, rather than essays (they're not, at all, essays), the disparity in quality between 'essays' made a lot more sense. A few are very well written, didactic and sharply focused, while some had me wondering 'was the initial target for this Buzzfeed?' One that springs to mind is in the first 100 pages, and is titled something like '101 things to think right now instead of __.' It was particularly disorienting because the first thing to think of was where I wanted to be in 20 years time, whereas a few essays up, she'd told me that people aren't happy today because they live in the future, rather than the now. It reminded me of that quote from Ned Flanders when he's despairing about God, "I did everything in the Bible! Even the stuff that contradicted all the other stuff!"

The reason for the incoherence in message is that Wiest relies heavily on other people's work, mainly pop psychology self help books to the tune of Brene Brown and Malcolm Gladwell (no hate), and then distils their books into bite-sized portions. Those are the good essays, in my opinion, and after the first 100 pages, I gave myself permission to skim to the bottoms of each essay and see if there were footnotes, indicating it was based on others' research. If it was, I read it, as Wiest's articles that are only self-driven are... extremely hit and miss. And it's okay for them to be hit and miss at this early stage in her career. But just like I wouldn't click on "Signs That The Only Problem With Your Life Is The Way You Think About It" if I was scrolling through my Facebook feed, I'm not interested in reading it in a book.

There is also an extreme level of repetition in subject matter. Some of these essays could very easily be viewed as exactly the same, just paraphrased different. Some key points:

* Feel your emotions, don't repress them.
* Perception is subjective, and realising this is a sign of emotional intelligence.
* Keeping yourself comfortable can keep you from reaching new goals.
* Pain = growth.

Also, side note - I'm not sure if it was my edition or WHAT but the formatting was insane for a lot of essay titles. "HOW TO KNOW YOU’VE EVOLVED more than you GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT FOR IT’S HARD TO SEE HOW FAR ALONG THE PATH YOU’VE COME WHILE YOU’RE SO FOCUSED ON TAKING EACH STEP—SO TO SAY. YOU’VE PROBABLY HAD THE EXPERIENCE OF A THIRD PARTY COMMENTING ON HOW MUCH YOU’VE CHANGED BUT BARELY BEING ABLE TO REALIZE ONLY BECAUSE YOU’RE WITH YOURSELF EACH DAY. THIS IS NORMAL BUT IS ALSO THE PRODUCT OF FOCUSING ON HOW WHAT’S LEFT TO DO RATHER THAN WHAT YOU’VE ALREADY ACCOMPLISHED—WHICH IS WHY IT’S OFTEN HARD TO GIVE YOURSELF THE CREDIT YOU REALLY DESERVE. HERE, A FEW LITTLE SIGNS YOU’VE EVOLVED MORE THAN YOU REALIZE" <- that is genuinely the essay title for essay 29. It is unreadable, the text is different sizes, and it feels like Wiest is grabbing me by the lapels and shrieking it at me in a busy Subway terminal while a metro is screeching to arrive. I don't know if she thinks prolix titles look good, or make her seem more intelligent, or what, but oh my God, SCRAP 'EM.

Wiest has real potential with this book. It could be better, especially if she focused more on not just hitting a certain page limit, and rather the quality and coherence of her message. If she held herself to a higher discipline as a writer, they probably would have been better. I will probably read her next book as I think she has true talent as a writer, but I often didn't enjoy her essays (articles), especially in the latter half of the book.

"we’re wired to believe that success is somewhere we get to—when goals are accomplished, and things are completed."

"Accomplishing goals is not a success. How much you expand in the process is." - I tend to disagree. I think both are successes but for different reasons.

"You think your past defines you, and worse, you think that it is an unchangeable reality when really, your perception of it changes as you do. Because experience is always multi-dimensional, there are a variety of memories, experiences, feelings, “gists” you can choose to recall…and what you choose is indicative of your present state of mind.
-- I am not sure about "defines you" part. I think both successes and failures play a role in the way you think and the way you act.

"In short, routine is important because habitualness creates mood, and mood creates the “nurture” aspect of your personality, not to mention that letting yourself be jerked around by impulsiveness is a breeding ground for everything you essentially do not want."
-- I hated routines throughout my life. But I had to live with routines till the age of 31. Then I started my first startup. We kept it small and worked when we were productive and rested or did other things when we were not. We ended up working a lot more than we thought but that was ok. It was either driven by interest or need. This essay has a different view. I know people who thrive on routine. Maybe I should give it a try, again. Parts of life can be structured and turned into habits through routines. It is good to have certain parts be free wheeling. That is how you come across interesting people, ideas, experiences.

"Happiness is not how many things you do, but how well you do them. More is not better."

-- It took a while to get this into my thick head. I am still doing a lot, but trying to converge to a few things I can do well.

“Flow” (in case you don’t know—you probably do) is essentially what happens when we become so completely engaged with what we’re doing.

-- I have experienced it a few times, and it is bliss. I realized that being in a continuous state of flow is neither possible nor desirable (at least for me).

"happiest countries in the world are nearly impoverished. Some of the most notable and peaceful individuals to grace the Earth died with only a few cents to their name. The commonality is a sense of purpose, belonging, and love"

-- I am thinking of Mahatma Gandhi, Kamaraj, and my grandpa. They accomplished a lot, touched many lives and did not even have a large wardrobe! They were certainly individuals of grace. I wonder what was going through their minds during moments of suffering and happiness.

"Eric Greitens says that there are three primary forms of happiness: the happiness of pleasure, the happiness of grace, and the happiness of excellence."

-- I think the term happiness seems to default to the happiness of pleasure. Only a few experience - the Happiness of excellence.

"The ancient Greeks called it Akrasia, the Zen Buddhists call it resistance, you and I call it procrastination, every productivity guru on the Internet calls it being “stuck.” Jeffrey Pfeffer and Robert Sutton call it the “knowing-doing gap,” or the experience of knowing the best thing to do, but doing something else anyway.

-- I like the term "knowing-doing gap". Having experienced it in abundance, I often wonder why I can learn so much about what to do and never really do even a fraction of it. Needs a lot of reflection but this chapter covers it beautifully.

"self-sufficiency is just a precursor to happiness. It is the foundation. It is crucial, but it is not the connectedness on which human beings thrive."

-- kind of sad. Really sad.

"Extraordinary depends on what I do with the ordinary" -- one of the nicest quotes in the book.''

"The things you love about others are the things you love about yourself." - I wonder about this. Sometimes the things you love about others are the things you admire.

Quite a lot of questions to think about. But I think some of my friends figured out the answers for them. Me? I am still thinking.

"What, and who, is worth suffering for?
What would you stand for if you knew that nobody would judge you?
What would you do if you knew that nobody would judge you?
"
"Ask yourself: “If I could tell every single person in the world just one thing, one sentence, what would it be?” Would you say: “It’s going to be okay?” “Don’t worry so much?” “Seek the best in others?” “Follow me on Twitter?” What you think you’d want to say to everyone out there is actually a projection of what you most need to hear. That’s what you most want to tell you."

Wow. Mixed feelings about this one. Started off very interesting and I highlighted LOADS of phrases but towards the end it became incredibly repetitive I mean literally the same sentence over and over again. I don’t think it needed to be this long at ALL and would have been nicer as a more concise, smaller book as this just made me feel bleh about it. However, loved how compact and short the chapters were and how they were divided into different issues, lists and how to dos. I learnt a lot of new and invaluable things so overall it’s much worth the read for your mental health

I'd rather read 10 to 15 well crafted essays (real essays) that challenge the way I tackle life, than 101 shallow lists on how to avoid positive thinking but also accept it. This sort of pseudo-profoundness makes me roll my eyes far too much, and I cannot stand the fact that all these 101 lists could have been condensed into 10. Do you know how repetitive it feels to read the same 5 sentences rewritten over and over again? I honestly wonder if any editor was involved in this project or if they just compiled a bunch of Wiest's blog posts on Teen Vogue and called it a day.

Silver lining: if you read one essay each morning, you might trick yourself into girlbossing your way to the sun for almost half a year.

INTRODUCTION
In this superb work of self-help and knowledge, Brianna West indeed points out in a very short and direct way how oft seemingly misunderstood and not always thought about things that we engage in daily profoundly goes on to shape the essence of the 'who' we're striving to become, be it for better or worse.

"In a sense, the notion that thoughts create reality is more than just a nice idea; it’s also a fact of evolution. It was because of language and thought that we could create a world within our minds, and ultimately, it is because of language and thought that we have evolved into the society we have today—for better and for worse."

1. SUBCONSCIOUS BEHAVIORS that are KEEPING YOU from HAVING THE LIFE YOU WANT
In this essay, the major take home is how disparate generations have multiple differing and often conflicting ideologies about their personal search for 'truth' versus the consensus monocultures wherein subjectively identified insights can become hypocritical and difficult or taboo, to objectively accept an idea/belief or faith as the "Truth" if it doesn't register as part of your cultural heritage so in essence not your personal subjective.

Here are some good summary quotes on the 'nutshell' of this essay here:

"The objectivity required to see the effects of present monoculture is very difficult to develop. Once you have so deeply accepted an idea as “truth” it doesn’t register as “cultural” or “subjective” anymore."

"You think that to change your beliefs, you have to adopt a new line of thinking, rather than seek experiences that make that thinking self-evident.
A belief is what you know to be true because experience has made it evident to you. If you want to change your life, change your beliefs. If you want to change your beliefs, go out and have experiences that make them real to you. Not the opposite way around"

"You believe that creating your best life is a matter of deciding what you want and then going after it, but in reality, you are psychologically incapable1 of being able to predict what will make you happy.
Your brain can only perceive what it’s known, so when you choose what you want for the future, you’re actually just recreating a solution or an ideal of the past. When things don’t work out the way you want them to, you think you’ve failed only because you didn’t re-create something you perceived as desirable. In reality, you likely created something better, but foreign, and your brain misinterpreted it as “bad” because of that. (Moral of the story: Living in the moment isn’t a lofty ideal reserved for the Zen and enlightened; it’s the only way to live a life that isn’t infiltrated with illusions. It’s the only thing your brain can actually comprehend."

"The most successful people in history—the ones many refer to as “geniuses” in their fields, masters of their crafts—had one thing in common, other than talent: Most adhered to rigid (and specific) routines...[T]he point is not what the routine consists of, but how steady and safe your subconscious mind is made through repetitive motions and expected outcomes."

I'm not sure why, but I was expecting essays by different people in this book, but it's all articles by Brianna Wiest.

I struggle to call them essays, as many of the chapters are list-style and something you might find on a clickbait article (How to improve your mindset in just 5 steps).

I found myself dreading going to this book. When I did read it, I would get annoyed or just fall asleep.

I knew it was over after reading this bit of advice:

What your big objective is. If you don’t know what you generally want to do with your precious, limited time here, you’re not going to do much of anything at all.

As someone who doesn't know what their 'big objective' is, this is not motivating or helpful. It's not like people like me haven't spent hours, days, months thinking about what their purpose is on this planet. It just makes me feel like giving up. If I'm not going to do much of anything at all, why bother, right?

Other reviews suggested it gets very repetitive the farther you go in, so I decided to save myself the suffering and ending it at 34%.

For instance: "Think about your friends who you can talk to...", "Think about the joy in spending a little bit of money on yourself and knowing you deserve it...", "Dream about how you'll live the way you want to live if you could (this is proven to be unhealthy by the way - unrealistic expectations are a breading ground for disillusionment)" Think about how you have this, this and this. I don't have this, this and this.

I do not have these things. Every piece of advice given to think a certain way about what you already have, I do not have. Now what?

I am not a trophy wife with a small bout of depression because I lost my car keys this morning, so telling me to think about how great it will be to fantasize about a trip doesn't relate with me. I'm really not sure who this book is for. I cannot see anyone who actually needs help receiving help from this book. I see it as a way for someone who already has self-esteem and an ego to help get it reinflated. At points it reads as though it's trying to sound scientific: speaking of marginal gaps and expansion that disallows the brain to take action or be pro-active (without proper analytical backing or reasoning stated), and then turns around and talks about ice cream and why I'm important...

This is written as though the author has never had any real life experience with the problems they're giving advice for. And the ones that they have had even they don't have an answer to. If it did, why did I stop reading.

BUT.

Ask me in this moment one single anecdote from the list and I can't remember a thing. This is exactly what happens to me when I read life altering, too good, lets get you better and more happy books. In the moment I'm all vested and right after I forget all that i've "learned".

That is not to say that I didn't like or enjoy this book. I found it to be beneficial on many levels. However, if I had cliff notes then I'd be getting somewhere. I would probably actually be able to organize these words into my real world.

My disclaimer is that these are not actually essays but more or less lists of things emotionally competent people do and don't do.

This may be my last book of the year and it is probably the most fitting. I wish I had marked more important facts and gotten more time to reflect on this book, but it just wasn't in the cards.

I give this book 3.5 starts, possibly rounded to 4.

Accomplishing goals is not a success. How much you expand in the process is.

Fear=Interest

If you want to change your life, change your beliefs. If you want to change your beliefs, go out and have experiences that make them real to you.

The impediment to action advanced action. What stands in the way becomes the way.

...the past did not prevent them from achieving the life they want, it facilitated it.

Most negative emotional reactions are you identifying a disassociated aspect of yourself.

An untamed mind is a minefield.

Happiness is not how many things you do, but how well you do them.

Happiness is not experiencing something else; it's continually experiencing what you already have in new and different ways.

They've developed enough stamina and awareness to know that all things, even the worst, are transitory.

They don't confuse a bad feeling for a bad life.

Grief is a faster teacher than joy.

Socially intelligent people don't try to elicit a strong emotional response from anyone they are holding a conversation with.
They don't communicate in such a way that aggrandizes their accomplishments to incite a response of awe or exaggerates their hardships to incite a response of sympathy. This usually occurs when the topic in question is not actually deserving of such a strong response, and therefore makes others uncomfortable because they feel pressured to fake an emotional reaction.

The idea may be wrong for you, but it exists because it is right for someone else. Intelligent people say, "I don't personally understand this idea or agree with it."

Socially intelligent people do not say, "He's a prick" as though it is fact. Instead, they say: "I had a negative experience with him where I felt very uncomfortable."

They don't use "you always" or "you never" to illustrate a point. Likewise, they root their arguments in statements that begin with "I feel" as opposed to "you are."

When you accuse someone of being wrong, you close them off to considering another perspective by heightening their defenses. If you first validate their stance ("That's interesting, I never thought of it that way...") and then present your own opinion ("Something I recently learned is this...") and then let them know that they still hold their own power in the conversation by asking their opinion ("What do you think about that?"), you open them up to engaging in a conversation where both of you can learn rather than just defend.

They listen to hear, not respond.

The min thing socially intelligent people understand is that your relationship to everyone else is an extension of your relationship to yourself.

Real emotional maturity is how thoroughly you let yourself feel anything. Everything. Whatever comes. It is simply the knowing that the worst thing that could ever happen...is just a feeling at the end of the day.

Have you ever felt joy for more than a few minutes? What about anger? No? How about tension, depression, and sadness? Those have lasted longer, haven't they? Weeks and months and years at a time, right?
That's because those aren't feelings. They are symptoms. And your arrival at the conclusion that you cannot go on like this, that you're off-track and feeling stuck and lost, are you realizing that you need not change your feelings. You just have to learn to lean into them and see what they are trying to tell you.

So healing is really just letting yourself feel.

Sadness will not kill you. Depression won't, either. But fighting it will. Ignoring it will.

What if healing yourself is not fixing an attitude, not changing an opinion, not altering an aesthetic, but shifting a presence, an awareness, energy? But how?...

The best people go home at the end of the day and think: "or...maybe there's another way."

This is the single most common root of discomfort: the space between knowing and doing.

Lots and lots of red will never make blue. Pleasures will never make you whole.

But the real question and the real work is not understanding what's good for us, but why we choose otherwise.

What you subconsciously love about the "problems" you struggle to get over. Nobody holds onto something unless they think it does something for them (usually keeps them "safe").

What you would say if you could tell every single person in the world just one thing.

What you would say if you could tell your younger self just one thing.

What your future self would think and say about whatever situation you're in right now.

What you will be motivated by when fear is no longer an option.

What you'd live for if your primary interest was no longer your own wants and needs.

Defensiveness never precedes growth, it stunts it.

We now know that there is no way you can ever know "objective" reality, and we know that you can never know how much of subjective reality is a fabrication because you never experience anything other than the output of your mind. Everything that's ever happened to you has happened inside your skull.

The world is not as it is, it is as we are.

The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.

Learn to differentiate what's actually happening from what you're currently thinking about.

Fire can burn your house down, or it can cook you dinner each night and keep you warm in the winter. Your mind is the same way.

You get better, not perfect.

Let yourself be loved as the person you are. You'll quickly see how the main person judging you is you.

Don't stand in front of the road sing forever; map a new path.

My life consists of my days - what am I doing with this one?

Your goals are outcomes, not actions.

Now, where to begin?
See what I did there?
Oh my was this hard to finish. I can now assure that not having a physical copy of a book is not for me.

I have to say it did not start off with the wrong foot but it felt like it for the rest of the book (that rhyme was not on purpose).
First of all, the word "essays" is in the title, so I was expecting something a little bit more... formal? something that didn't include cursing and what seemed like sort of a conversation between the reader and the author, which is nice, but not what the title gives off; hence not what I was looking for.
Second of all, repetition. Now hear me out, I loved how the author managed to deconstruct even more some terms that I thought couldn't be any more dug into. But the amount of times she repeated some of them, repeated the same concepts spelt differently... GOD. 300+ pages could have been 200-
Lastly, I want to believe that this happened as a result of reading an unofficial copy, but I cannot believe the amount of spelling mistakes. I'll just leave it there.

I really enjoyed it though haha. So far, the way I described it, it seems like a piece of sh2t but it is actually not. It gave some interesting thought to certain topics that I had never really considered, the so called "food for thought".
Also, I feel like the entire 69th essay was written for me, I'm not even joking. Felt personally attacked.

Anyways, I took this as every "self-help" book should be taken: with a ✨pinch of salt✨.
I would only recommend it to people who have a minimum sense of direction in regards to where they're heading towards in life, because I feel like people who don't have an (in)formed opinion would be highly influenced by the author's thoughts, which are not bad (I agreed with most of them), but there is not one big truth about how to live life.