By Nathan Feiles, MSW, LCSW-R on January 4, 2020
Spoiler alert: Yes, you should still go. (compiled scenario to protect confidentiality): I was having one of those days where it just felt like everything was fine. Nothing really happened since my last session, and I didn’t really have anything important to talk about today. Nothing was pressing, and I
didn’t understand why I should go to therapy today if there was nothing I needed to get off my chest or talk about. But then I remembered that therapy isn’t supposed to be only for the days or weeks when there’s an overflow of stress, anxiety, or other stuff going on. I understood that therapy is a deeper process than only dealing with the surface emotions. So even with nothing prepared to talk about, and not knowing what the point really was today, I decided to drag
myself into therapy anyway. At first, I just sat there for a couple of minutes and didn’t really say anything except for a couple of comments about the weather or something like that. I was nervous that we were going to sit awkwardly in silence for the next 45 minutes — which was part of the reason I almost didn’t come in when I had nothing to talk about. But then, after sitting there for a couple of minutes, I just went ahead and said it to my therapist: “I really have nothing to
talk about today.” After that moment, it turned into one of the deepest and most valuable sessions I’ve ever had (so far). *** It can be quite common for the days where nothing is emotionally or mentally prepared prior to the session to end up being some of the deepest and most enlightening sessions. This doesn’t diminish the benefits of the sessions where the topics of conversation and emotions are at the ready, as much as it speaks to the benefits of therapy even when it
doesn’t feel needed that day. It’s easy to think that because there is no stress or major issue to talk about on the day of a session that it must mean that there is actually nothing to talk about or happening at all. However, when the layer of stress and emotional activation is removed, it actually allows the space for a new layer of depth to open up and emerge. It can be tempting to underestimate the power and influence of what sits below the surface because it’s generally not fully in
our conscious minds. And some might think, “Well, if I’m not thinking about it consciously, then it doesn’t matter, right?” Unfortunately, no, it’s not as simple as this. The stuff that sits below the surface is often most responsible for creating and reinforcing the cognitive and emotional patterns and struggles that we find ourselves dealing with in daily life. While on one level therapy serves the purpose of reducing the layer of emotional activation when it’s overflowing, which
can provide its own sense of relief — getting into the layer(s) below the surface is often where the more in-depth and longer-term changes start to happen. When the emotional overflow layer is removed, this is when it becomes more readily possible to reflect on, engage with, and understand ourselves. As the conversations start to move into the deeper layers of oneself, the underlying parts that people are often looking to improve really start to emerge more here. For example,
it’s one thing to temporarily make the surface layer of anxiety go away until it returns next time; it’s another to understand on a deeper level why these patterns of anxiety keep returning as they do and to change these patterns longer term. These deeper, more unconscious parts of ourselves are generally what drives our mental and emotional life experiences — why we emotionally respond the way we do to situations in life, why we think about things in the way we do, why we may be caught in
a pattern of emotional or relational struggling, etc. And while it’s not always easy to engage with the deeper parts of ourselves and change these patterns, summoning the courage to get to know what we carry with us can often lead to some of the most gratifying and healing parts of the therapy process.
I will add here to bear in mind that simply starting a session with nothing to say doesn’t automatically mean you’re going to leave the session in awe, enlightened, or suddenly changed or healed. This wouldn’t be a realistic approach and would likely lead to disappointment. So be careful not to fall into the trap of expecting great epiphanies or keeping one eye on what the “big” result will be in a session.
The overall message is that even when it seems on the surface like there’s nothing to say that day, if you keep an open mind and remain curious about yourself, there is likely to be a greater benefit of showing up to therapy that day.
If you go to therapy regularly, you’ve likely talked about a range of issues. Therapy is excellent if you’re dealing with depression, a work issue, family matters, relationship struggles or other challenges.
But there are also times when you might not have anything specific to say. The night before your next session, there’s a good chance you may lie in bed thinking, “What the hell am I going to talk about for a full hour? Nothing really happened this week.”
That undue anxiety is common among clients, especially when they’re new to counseling. But therapists say some of the most fulfilling sessions begin with a client saying, “I have no big updates” at the start of the hour.
“When people arrive without something clouding their minds or overwhelming them, we have a chance to get many layers deeper than we often are able to,” said Satya Doyle Byock, a psychotherapist in Portland, Oregon.
On days like this, the therapist often invites clients to take some time to notice what’s happening internally, “to sharpen their awareness of their body and inner life,” she told HuffPost. Think of it as a quick pre-therapy meditation.
That moment of silence usually doesn’t last long. Inevitably, something worth exploring bubbles to the surface.
“A client will say, ‘Oh, I’ve been thinking...’ or ‘I had this memory’” or interesting dream, Doyle Byock said. “It really provides beautiful entry points into rich material for a client.”
“One of the biggest misconceptions about therapy is that we only benefit from going in times of crisis, when we have something specific to work through.”
- Kathleen Dahlen deVos, a psychotherapist based in San Francisco
Some clients might come prepared with talking points for the session. More often than not, though, the conversation takes an entirely different turn, said Kathleen Dahlen deVos, a psychotherapist based in San Francisco.
“What I find is that sometimes the things clients plan in advance can feel stagnant once we’re in the room together,” she said. “The client might find that discussing the topic fills empty space but that they aren’t actually emotionally connected to the subject anymore.”
Silence In Therapy Can Contribute To Its Success
As clients get more comfortable with the routine and ritual of therapy, Dahlen deVos often tells them to experiment with not planning ahead to see what topics naturally emerge.
“By not planning, we shift to the more subtle things that might be overlooked if we launch directly into predetermined content,” Dahlen deVos said. “This helps clients explore moment-to-moment awareness and mindfulness that they can then use in their daily lives to care for their emotional well-being.”
Ultimately, it’s OK to draw a blank in therapy or meander your way to a topic. You don’t need to bring a weighty subject matter or problem to therapy every week to make it count, Dahlen deVos said. Breakthroughs happen even during sessions you worry are going to be boring.
“One of the biggest misconceptions about therapy is that we only benefit from going in times of crisis, when we have something specific to work through,” she explained.
Without a crisis to attend to, you have the chance to “look below the surface of the parts of life you report as being ‘fine’ or ‘good enough,’ and catalyze some big changes,” she said.
FilippoBacci via Getty Images
Woman during a psychotherapy sessionTaking this approach to therapy requires you to get comfortable with a little awkward silence every now and then. But your therapist doesn’t mind.
“In our society, we never allow for silence and become uncomfortable with it,” said Patrick Davey Tully, a therapist in Los Angeles. “Becoming more comfortable with silence allows us to have time to think more deeply or appreciate the moment.”
If You Can’t Sit With The Silence, Try Talking About Therapy
Lulls in conversation are also a great opportunity to reflect on your therapy experience thus far: Talk about what you like (or don’t like) about sessions. Acknowledge some of the progress you’ve made. Discuss experiences from your past you’d like to excavate a bit more. You can even talk about how you’re getting along with your therapist.
“I’d definitely say the therapeutic relationship itself is a great subject to explore,” Davey Tully said. “Clients and therapists have a unique relationship in which the client shares intimate things about themselves and their lives, while the therapist is less disclosing, more or less, depending on their philosophy.”
It might feel a little meta to talk about therapy in therapy, but a good therapist will welcome the topic and be curious as well, Davey Tully said.
Speaking of your relationship with your therapist, you might be wondering: What can I ask my therapist about their life? Is that kosher?
Absolutely, but it’s up to them to decide what’s useful or relevant to your personal growth. Don’t be surprised if they stay tight-lipped.
“Every therapist has different boundaries around what they will and won’t share with their clients,” Doyle Byock said. “The rule of thumb is that whatever a therapist shares with a given client should be of therapeutic value to that client.”
Sometimes a therapist’s personal stories serve the purpose of relationship building and trust. Sometimes it’s about normalizing the client’s experience. That said, it’s usually a quick diversion into their lives: Your therapist wants to stay on topic and tap into what’s going on in your life, even if you feel you have nothing new to discuss.
“It’s actually wonderful to show up without a clear goal in mind when you walk into therapy,” Doyle Byock said. “Just last night, my client’s final words while walking out the door were: ‘Wow, I’m so glad I had nothing to talk about today.’”
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