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This film is a prequel to all of the The House of the Dead video games. Set on an island off the coast, a techno rave party attracts a diverse group of college coeds and a Coast Guard officer. Soon, they discover that their X-laced escapades are to be interrupted by zombies and monsters that attack them on the ground, from the air, and in the sea, ruled by an evil entity in the House of the Dead…

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House of the Dead

A group of college students travels to a mysterious island to attend a rave, which is soon taken over by bloodthirsty zombies.

Genre: Action , Horror , Thriller

Actor: Jonathan Cherry , Tyron Leitso , Clint Howard , Ona Grauer , Michael Eklund , Jürgen Prochnow , Ellie Cornell , Will Sanderson , Kira Clavell , Enuka Okuma , Jürgen Prochnow

Director: Uwe Boll

Country: Germany , Canada , USA

Duration: 90 min

Quality: HD

Release: 2003

IMDb: 2

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The film tells about a band of college students going to a rave on a mysterious island . They get more than they bargained for when they find themselves stalked by killer zombies and terrifying creatures intent on feasting on the …

Duration: 90 min

Quality: SD

Release: 2003

IMDb: 2

Keywords: House of the Dead, Uwe Boll, Jonathan Cherry, Tyron Leitso, Clint Howard

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Based on the videogame of the same name, "House of the Dead" is one of the most charmless, noxious, and boring films in the entire zombie genre, and that is seriously saying something. If you are a fan of the Sega game, you're in luck: there are tons of references to it both large and small (I wonder why there is a huge "Sega" banner onstage at the rave?) These references get less and less subtle as time progresses and ultimately use footage of the actual videogame graphics to link scenes. To say this is a jarring and annoying technique is a gross understatement. But perhaps I am getting ahead of myself.

Produced by fourteen (!) producers of different ranks, including Associate Producer Max Wanko, the film stars a bunch of nobodys with no inherent acting abilities detectible among them. The exception to this is Captain Kirk (yes, really) played by the genuinely talented Jürgen Prochnow: it pained my heart seeing this veteran of "Das Boot" in something this embarrassing. He does his best with the material presented to him, but it's beyond hope. Under no circumstance should you consider this a proud reprise in a seafaring role. Also onboard as creepy First Mate Salish is B-movie veteran Clint Howard who earns his paycheck with some overacting that fits right in. The only other actress who comes close to pulling her weight is Ellie Cornell as Casper, a pretty cop with an apparently complicated and pointless backstory with Kirk, and who is the only reasonably likeable female in the film.

Some twentysomething college students show up on a dock to go to the island rave but they miss their boat. Resourcefully, they charter Kirk for a ride to the island for $1000. Their obvious financial acumen and lack of punctuality are not the only personality or judgment deficiencies you will notice among the cast. Rarely have I disliked a cast as much or as fast, and I couldn't wait to see them meet their fate and be done with it. Speaking of things to loathe, the music at the "rave of the year" is terrible, and the pungent combination of metal and rap is relentless through the balance of the film.

So the protagonists all get to the rave and find it's trashed and nobody's there. What to do? Be a bit concerned? Prudently leave? Drink and make out? You figure it out. Eventually three kids wander off and find a cemetery and an old house which seems much larger inside than outside. The best thing about wandering off into the woods is that the music is (temporarily) removed from your list of afflictions. When they get into the house they find two other kids who escaped from the rave after it was invaded by zombies. Not just any zombies, but black papier-mâché zombies (or so it would appear) with red glowing eyes and an ability to push their hands clean through a collegiate torso in the most boring and uninteresting (not to mention cheesy) way imaginable. Only Kirk is able to defend himself with any degree of success, as he shoots the zombies with great frequency and accuracy while calmly smoking a Cuban cigar, as if this is a daily affair for him, though sadly he is ultimately bitten by a zombie and you know what that means.

I am going to interrupt my critique for a moment to mention one small positive of "House of the Dead" (and yes, I am a bit surprised myself). Uwe Boll does actually have talent, and that is manifested in some beautifully photographed and lighted scenes, predominantly in the woods. Intermittently beautifully shot (though still boring) scenes show he does have genuine cinematography skills, but then reality strikes back just as quickly with more horrendous video game graphic inserts.

Fortunately Kirk is a smuggler and he arms everyone with an amazing assortment of weaponry (including grenades) to do battle. If you are a fan of the first-person shooter videogame that spawned this movie, you might be thinking "at last, action!" Not so fast. I honestly don't know how this happened, but despite an amazing conflagration of guns and violence that lasts for just about ever, the gunplay and mayhem is staggeringly boring. It's just relentlessly dull. I had a hard time keeping my finger away from the fast forward button, and the metal music does not help this pass any faster. How can an action movie be this boring? The mind reels.

Of course everyone converges on the house and logic and continuity go completely out the window with a black and white movie within a movie about an ancient Spanish pirate-scientist who hijacked a Spanish galleon and did grisly experiments on the island. Confirming this is the discovery of his lab, which contains various body parts, and a microscope with a slide of blood conveniently in focus revealing blood that's not human, but that is "completely mutated". Right. Also there is an aquarium with a demon zombie fish, whose blood water can reanimate the dead, and, oh, never mind. You get it: it's all leading up to a finale and showdown that involves gunpowder (how convenient), a catacomb that is enhanced by oodles of videogame footage, the crazy ancient Spanish guy, and some last minute mistaken identity transformation garbage. The final battle in the cemetery is especially odious (who knew you could take a sword through the heart and still get up to fight back?) I won't ruin the incredibly painful helicopter rescue other than to say, can it please be over now?

Watching this film is a terrible experience. It's derivative (the meddling kids even mention "Scooby Doo" in the horrendously contrived dialogue), the acting is absolutely cringeworthy, much of the film is narrated and that narration is among the worst I've ever heard, the characters are caricatures and are essentially indistinguishable because nobody is a sympathetic person that you could care about, the soundtrack assaults you, the film is all over the place (Now we're at a rave! Now we're on a Spanish sailing ship!) and the references to the video game are incredibly forced, with the actual video game footage being hugely distracting for a film with a reasonable budget and a large crew.

Some movies are so bad they're good: this is not one of those movies. It's just bad, but worse than being just plain bad, is that it's unbearably boring, and I can't think of a harsher criticism to levy against a zombie movie with loads of "action". Avoid "House of the Dead" at all costs.