How long should i grieve after a breakup

Whether you're reeling from the end of a tumultuous long-distance relationship, trying to forget someone who cheated on you, or simply trying to get over an unreciprocated crush, we're here to validate your feelings: Getting over someone you love isn't easy. If it were, millions of songs, self-help books, paintings, and poems wouldn’t exist.

While the pain of a breakup is universal, fortunately, you won't feel sad forever. But exactly how long does it take to get over someone?

Spoiler alert: There isn’t a set amount of time. The “21 day rule”—a theory that you'll generally begin to feel better after about three weeks apart—doesn’t work for everyone, says Maria Sullivan, VP and Dating Expert of Dating.com.

We know, we know—that's not a very satisfying answer when you're grieving the departure of someone you truly adored. So we asked Sullivan and some other relationship experts to dig a little deeper to help you navigate your way to the light at the end of the tunnel…and no, we’re not talking about the light in your freezer door.

Here, their expert tips to help you get over someone—for good:

1. Ditch your breakup timeline.

Are you telling yourself that you need to update your dating profile by next week, or go try to meet a new partner IRL? Are you angry that even after a month, you still feel queasy every time you pass your (former) favorite date spot? Go easy on yourself. “Sadly, there is no mathematical equation to calculate a finite timeframe to recover from heartbreak,” says Amiira Ruotola, co-author of It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken.

2. Don't be so hard on yourself

Cori Dixon-Fyle, founder and psychotherapist at Thriving Path, agrees that you shouldn’t put pressure on yourself to “feel better” about someone by a certain time. “It can cause shame” she says. “In order to move forward, you have to give yourself permission to grieve.” Instead, she encourages her patients to feel empowered by allowing yourself the space and vulnerability to feel your feelings.

3. Remember: there are no rules about how you should feel.

If you're stuck on someone who cheated on you or you're blue because someone you, err, never technically dated isn't reciprocating your feelings, you may wonder why you're so upset. Just as there's no set timeline for grieving the end of a relationship, there aren't any rules about what you should and shouldn't feel, either.

"Take time to embrace your feelings," says Sullivan. "It's okay to be sad, mad, frustrated, or even to still long for the person. Let yourself feel your emotions. If you do, it will be easier to move on and heal."

4. Take time to grieve the loss.

Did you plan a future together? Did you break up after a betrayal or because you learned too late that your relationship was one-sided? “The length of time it takes to get over someone depends on how integrated your partner was in your life and what caused the friction,” says Dixon-Fyle. “Depending on the depth of your relationship, it can feel like you’re not only losing your ex, but part of your identity as well.”

5. Don't expect to feel better overnight.

If you’re still searching for something more tangible, try this: “If you were together for at least one year, give it at least one year,” says Dixon-Fyle. She says that most people need to go through all the triggering events that may occur in the first year post-breakup—from birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. “Allow yourself to mourn,” she says. Luckily, there are ways to ease the pain and help the process.

6. Try to stop romanticizing the relationship.

“The hardest part of getting over a relationship is often not the loss of the actual person, but the loss of the fantasy of what you thought could happen,” says Dr. Juliana Morris, marriage and relationship therapist. While it’s natural after a breakup to get wrapped up in the dream, Ruotola warns, “Don’t get stuck in the obsessive loop of why and what if.” In fact, the first thing she tells anyone who needs help getting over an ex is to avoid the urge to rewrite your history together: “If you were so great together, you’d probably still be together!” she argues.

7. Despite the pain, respect what you had.

As much as you may want to bad-mouth your ex, doing so will not help you get over them. It’s not like you have to pretend it's all rainbows and unicorns, but according to Morris, when you release yourself from the pain and resentment, you can move into happiness yourself. She prefers to consider a breakup as a “complete” relationship, and not as a “failed” one. “If you were vulnerable enough to feel love and give love, then it was not a failure,” she says. “The relationship served you as much as you needed it to, and now it’s time to move on.”

8. Acknowledge that life can be even better than before.

Now that you are free from the relationship and the person, take the time to re-examine your life. “A breakup is an incredible opportunity for reinvention,” says Ruotolo, who suggests “focusing on reshaping your life to be the person you want to be.”

9. Don't move on to another relationship too fast.

Take a class, or spend time with friends while you explore the benefits of being single. Morris agrees: Once you admit to yourself that there were parts of the relationship that were not working for you, it will help you move on, she says. To keep your mindset positive, Morris suggests creating a list of things from your past together that will feel good for you to let go.

10. If possible, stay away. Virtually and in real life...

“The simplest but hardest rule to follow is to have the least contact with your ex as possible,” says relationship expert Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Of course this isn't always feasible if your friend groups are intertwined or if you're co-parenting. In that case, ignore this part. If is is possible to distance yourself, she recommends blocking them from all forms of social media and to tell your friends not to relay any information. "Don’t social media stalk,” adds Morris—this includes unfollowing any friends that may have ties to your ex. In fact, she suggests taking a break from social media altogether.

11. But don’t hide.

You may feel lonely without your former best friend by your side, but that’s all the more reason not to be alone. “Surround yourself with people who make you feel amazing, and who remind you of how fabulous you are,” says Morris. Even if you don’t feel like venturing out, call on your friends who make you smile. “Just hearing other people talk about their day can really help take your mind off things,” she says.

And, yes. You will get over them eventually...

Does your mom still talk about her college boyfriend? Probably. Is she still in love with him? Not likely. The truth is, every close relationship makes an impact on our lives. “Our relationships help us develop and mature,” says Suzann Pileggi Pawelski, co-author of Happy Together, which she wrote with her husband James Pawelski, PhD. “In a sense, our former partners are always a part of us.” Pileggi Pawelski explains that we learn from each relationship, and are able to take positives with us that help us grow as people. So while you may feel heart broken in the present, remember, when you’re ready, you’ll come out of this breakup an even stronger, better, happier you.

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Sara is a freelance writer in New York, where she hides her favourite candy from her husband, two kids and even her golden retriever. The goldfish never asks for anything. Sara's work has appeared in The Washington Post, Women’s Health Magazine, Eating Well, shape.com, Scary Mommy, Runner’s World, Prevention, Seventeen, Martha Stewart Weddings, and Brides Magazine, among other publications.

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