When you first start dating someone you're really into, every convo feels exciting and special. Hours pass in what feels like minutes, and minutes feel like seconds. But several months (or heck, several dinners) in, once you've gotten to know your partner on a truly intimate level, you might feel like you've run out of questions to ask them. Show You're not doomed...but you do want to proactively turn that boring conversation upside down. Because no matter how long you’ve been with your partner, keeping those deep, riveting talks alive and well is incredibly important for a happy relationship. Take it from Terri Orbuch, PhD, author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage From Good to Great and professor at Oakland University in Michigan, who has been following a set of over 370 couples for the past 30 years. “One trait of the happy couples [I’ve studied] is that they are intimately familiar with each other's inner lives and social worlds,” she says. Talking is, of course, the number one way to do that. But…where do you start? Not with rehashing your morning run, venting over your to-do list, or bringing up concerns about your kids, says Orbuch. Instead, go for "the type of questions you used to ask when you first met each other"—think: less office politics and weekend plans, and more hopes and dreams. These types of inquiries not only spark meaningful chats (that can, btw, re-create that first date, falling-in-love feeling), but you'll also discover different sides of your S.O. and deepen your connection, no matter how long you've been together. So next time you're with your partner, swap out the old "How was your day?" with one of these expert-backed questions to ask your partner: If you've been dating less than a year...
Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, a professor at California State University, Fullerton, suggests this question as a way to weed out any unrealistic relationship ideals, or incompatible views right from the jump. If the person answers with “I don’t know,” your antennas should definitely perk up. That signifies a lack of self-reflection. And do you really want to be with someone who isn’t sure how they even want to show up in a relationship?
Facts are facts, says Suwinyattichaiporn. And the studies show that one in five men, and one in 10 women have been unfaithful to their partner. So why does your boo think that is? It could be a very telling answer. If someone thinks everyone who cheats is a terrible person, they may be a bit too quick to judge.
Most breakups and divorces are caused by dissatisfaction with the sexual relationship, said Suwinyattichaiporn. Since this is clearly a big obstacle, why not knock this question out early on? If you know your partner gets super turned on by you if you treat them to dinner or buy them flowers, that’s a great thing to know and make time for. If it’s more specific requests in the bedroom, also good intel!
The answer to this question can be very telling, says Suwinyattichaiporn. If your partner can’t think of anything it may mean they need to do a little more inner work before diving into a relationship. If they can’t think of a single thing that’s not great about them....well, you may have a narcissist on your hands. (Ah!)
Does your boo throw a temper tantrum when they get mad, sad, or frustrated? Or do they process it, perhaps with some journaling and meditation? Do they lash out or self-isolate? Not only is the answer an indication of their ability to self-regulate, says Suwinyattichaiporn, but it’s also helpful for any partner to know.
This is a great way to see what your partner’s values are, without straight-up asking, says Suwinyattichaiporn. Is their definition of success being rich AF? Or does it have to deal with building a family? Both answers are fine, but it’s good to understand if you are aligned with this person, or if your end goals and moral codes are completely different.
Knowing what sparks joy with your partner helps you find ways to infuse your days with more of those moments, says Dana McNeil, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapist. This shows your boo thang you’re listening and you care about what makes them happy! What could be more important than that?
Ethically non-monogamous (ENM) relationships are climbing in popularity, so best to check in early where your partner stands on this, says McNeil. If participating in a ENM relationship is good for both of you—great! If one of you is hell bent on having one partner ‘til death do you part, it may be time to reassess where things are going. Relationships should be safe environments free of judgment, so knowing all of the information early on is super important, says McNeil. Want more? Check this out for a few more Qs to ask your partner:
This is another great way to get a little peek into what your partner is ultimately looking for. Do they think their parent’s relationship is bomb.com, when you’re iffy about it? Talk about it! The roles you’ll play, and how people show love and respect are so crucial when building a foundation, says McNeal.
This question will give you insight into the most important people in your partner's life, which might not always be obvious, says Women's Health advisor Chloe "Dr. Chloe" Carmichael, PhD, a clinical psychologist in New York City and author of Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.
Talking about emotions and what triggers them will always lead to an intimate conversation. Dr. Chloe recommends this Q to better understand what gets your boyfriend fired up.
Dr. Chloe recommends this question as a way to get insight into how your partner copes when things aren't going well. Once you know, you can share your own signs and be better, more supportive partners for each other when the going gets tough.
This is a fun chance to find out how your partner likes to indulge, and what might be a little embarrassing to them. Whether it's bad reality TV or sour gummy worms, you'll usually get a look at what comforts your person or reminds them of their childhood.
Dr. Chloe suggests this question to help you understand your boyfriend's relationship history. How he answers will show you what he values in a partnership and what behaviors are most hurtful to him. (That's super valuable intel, btw.)
This one is a classic for a reason. Talking about hopes and dreams—even if they've totally changed—makes you feel bonded to your S.O. (and them to you). And it shows you what they were interested in as a kid, a time you (likely) didn't know them.
This question can help your boyfriend open up about the things that make him emotional. Whether they were happy, sad, or angry tears, you'll learn what makes them feel the feels, notes Dr. Chloe.
This line is bound to lead to an interesting conversation—one that may reveal what's worth a fib to your partner and whether or not they regret being dishonest. Of course, they may not actually cop to their biggest lie, but whatever they do admit counts. If You've Been Hot And Heavy For Over A Long While:
As previously mentioned, sexual compatibility can be the thing that makes or breaks a relationship, says Suwinyattichaiporn. If you get into the habit of regularly checking in with your partner about this, it can be way less daunting to bring up a special request. Maybe your partner wants more oral sex, or more regular massages. You don’t know if you don’t ask! This also opens up the door to share what you are craving.
Suwinyattichaiporn encourages all people in long-term relationships to ask this question. A good, fulfilling sexual relationship can mean completely different things to different people. Best to make sure you are on the same page. If you are someone who wants to have good quality sexy time once a week, maybe you shouldn’t be with a partner who wants to have sex three times a day.
Now this is a good one. We’ve all heard the favorite childhood story question, but we know no one’s childhood was all puppies and rainbows. It’s important to know what kind of obstacles your partner faced as a little one, and what those challenges mean to them now, says Suwinyattichaiporn. It can also give you a look into what you’re up against when dealing with their family!
Honesty is KEY in a long-term relationship, says McNeal. Having the ability to know what your partner doesn’t like about you, is perhaps even more important than knowing what they love about you. These little things may not change, but you’ll feel stronger knowing your quirks aren’t dealbreakers.
Space can be another tricky topic. But we all need a little alone time eventually, right? Admitting you need space does not mean you’re having problems, it’s actually a really healthy thing, says McNeal. If you create a playbook for how to ask for it, a little QT away from your loved one might not feel like a rejection. No more picking fake fights!
“This tells you all about your partner's dreams for adventure and travel,” Orbuch says. Plus, it’s a fun opener that gives you a deeper look into their psyche without getting too intense from the get-go.
“We want our partners to be authentically curious about who we are on our deepest levels,” says relationship expert and psychotherapist Gin Love Thompson, PhD. But asking your significant other to share his or her innermost thoughts and desires over appetizers can be a little, well, intense. “Keep it light and fun while increasing the energy and excitement by starting a heavier chat with an icebreaker question like this,” Thompson says. This content is imported from poll. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.
Count on sex to always spice things up. “Tell your partner the intimate moments you’ve enjoyed most, and ask them to share their most memorable with you,” says Thompson. “Then, together, bounce around ideas of new tantalizing adventures you would both delight in.” Not only will this liven up pillow talk, it'll also help reinforce that you're still hot for each other (and always will be).
Sometimes a level of directness can help you go deeper—especially when it comes to the most intimate parts of your relationship. “I hear all day from couples that they harbor a sense of disconnection that they often don't say out loud," says Brandy Engler, PsyD, a relationship therapist in Los Angeles. "These kinds of questions help people put words to what they want and how they want to feel—it taps into your core longings.” Getting this direct might feel awkward at first, Engler says, but ultimately, talking about things that divide you will bring you closer.
“This is a fun question that reveals what your partner thinks about, as well as their challenges and values,” Orbuch says. (Which are all evolving things, at least for most people.) “It also might reveal what your partner was thinking about when they were younger—dreaming about what they would be and do as they got older.” Not only do questions like this open up the conversation to what your S.O. is secretly dreaming about, they also help you revisit a part of their past you might not have talked about in those early days.
With this question, “you'll find out what keeps your partner up at night,” Orbuch says. Whether it’s a small annoyance with a coworker or a more serious issue, these worries define what stresses your boyfriend out. “When you are familiar with your partner's present challenges, you know what is troubling them and you are better able to cope with their emotions,” Orbuch explains. “You’re better able to help them if needed, which creates a deeper bond.”
Aside from sharing your dreams and ambitions, this question also helps you start a conversation about compatibility—how similar are your goals, do the futures you envision look similar? “It helps figure out where they think they are in the arc of life,” Orbuch says. While this is a great Q to ask early on in a relationship, it's also one to go back to as things get more serious, since their aspirations could change.
Like those questions you probably asked in the early days of getting to know each other, this question helps you discuss your underlying values, Orbuch says. “You find out how your partner defines themselves—how they see themselves,” she says. "This says, 'I really want to know you better and I'm paying attention to who you are'"—something that your other half can forget when things become a little routine. It sounds overly simplistic, but “one of the deepest questions we can ask our partner—when done with sincerity and an intensive listening ear—is ‘How are you?’” says Thompson. When you ask this, make eye contact and don’t interrupt—it’s as much about the listening as asking the question. “In the ultra fast-paced world we live in daily, we can lose sight of what our significant other is encountering on a personal level, be it at work, with the kids, or among family and friends,” Thompson explains. The conversation can go to depths you'd never expect. “This is an act of love, and this support can enhance all areas of your relationship.” So ask it today, and ask it often. Kristin Canning is the features director at Women's Health, where she assigns, edits and reports long-form features on emerging health research and technology, women's health conditions, psychology, sexuality, mental health, reproductive justice, wellness entrepreneurs, women athletes, and the intersection of health, fitness, and culture for both the magazine and the website. She's worked in health media for seven years, holding prior positions at Health, SELF, and Men's Health. When she's not writing and editing, you can find her running, hiking, biking, dancing, listening to podcasts, or planning her next outdoor adventure. Macaela MacKenzie is a journalist covering women’s equality. Her work focuses on sports, the gender gap across industries, and breaking down stigmas in women's health. She has over 2,000 bylines for outlets including Glamour, Marie Claire, Elle, Women's Health, SELF and Forbes. She's currently working on her first book on women's equality in sports. Jacqueline Tempera is an award-winning writer and reporter living in New Jersey with her many pets. She is a business owner and a double Scorpio who loves all things astrology and reality television. She is passionate about body diversity and representation, mental health, and the fight to end sexual assault and harassment. To learn more about Jackie, follow her on Instagram @jacktemp or visit her website at jackietempera.com. What is the deepest question to ask a guy?Deep Questions to Ask a Guy. Do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert?. What are you most thankful for?. Which parent are you closer to and why?. What are your thoughts on online dating or Tinder?. What's on your bucket list this year?. How would you describe your best friend?. How do I get to know my BF better?11 Ways To Get To Know Your Partner Better. Go On A Vacation Together. ... . Hang Out With His Or Her Oldest Friends. ... . Take A Trip To Their Hometown. ... . Get To Know The 'Rents. ... . Get Better At Listening. ... . Try Out Each Other's Hobbies. ... . Then Create Some Shared Hobbies. ... . Check In With Them.. What are 21 flirty questions to ask a guy?Cheeky Flirty Questions to Ask a Guy. What would you do If I kissed you right now?. What is your biggest turn on?. What is your biggest turn off?. Do you prefer cuddling or kissing?. What are your favourite pet names for girlfriends? ... . Want to know a secret?. Who was your teacher crush?. What is the most romantic questions to ask your boyfriend?Romantic Questions to Ask Your Partner:. What is your favorite memory of our relationship? ... . What's something about your life that you're glad is over?. Tell me about your longest relationship. ... . What is something you always put off doing?. Is there a specific taste or food that reminds you of me?. A specific scent?. |